


Is John in Denial?

by inevitably_johnlocked



Series: I-J's Sherlock Meta Series [17]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Bisexual John, Closeted John Watson, Gen, John-centric, Johnlock - Freeform, Meta, Post-Episode: s03e03 His Last Vow, TJLC | The Johnlock Conspiracy, Tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-20 17:12:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4795607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inevitably_johnlocked/pseuds/inevitably_johnlocked
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An old ask I finally was able to answer. Nonny wants to know if I think John is aware of his attraction to Sherlock but chooses to not act upon it. Another attempt at understanding John’s character.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is John in Denial?

**Author's Note:**

> **_FIRST PUBLISHED JUNE 27/15_**  
>  Original Meta Can be found at my blog here: [Is John in Denial?](http://inevitably-johnlocked.tumblr.com/post/122590663870/hello-is-it-weird-that-i-think-john-is-totally)  
> 
> 
> * * *
> 
> In my neverending quest to understand John's character, I finally sat down and answered this ask after having it sit in my inbox for several months. I felt ready to answer it after I had just finished writing two meta about John and a third "across series" meta that is still a work in progress. Enjoy.
> 
> * * *

> **Anonymous asked:  
>  Hello, is it weird that I think John is totally attracted to Sherlock but meanwhile in denial that it's romantic attraction? I think when Johnlock is finally canon it'll be Sherlock pushing him to the edges to finally admit it to himself? Idk just a thought.  
>  **

Holy cow, Nonny, I’m so sorry!! This got lost in my drafts before my computer crash and I JUST found it! I put it aside because I have a harder time reading John’s character than Sherlock’s so I wanted to sit on your question for a bit, and then it totally got lost in the kerfuffle. Better late than never, I suppose :) 

And because of your ask, I ended up writing a TOTALLY DIFFERENT META that only needed to be _BRIEFLY REFERENCED _in this meta and is over 10,000 words long that I wanted to finish before this one. But that one is still long ongoing and I really would like to post this. Writing that has offered me enough insight, I think, to answer your question with the best insight into John I have so far and to not have to reference that meta.__

So, to answer if it’s weird how you think John feels, not at all, Nonny! It’s how you read the character, and no one person’s reading is correct or incorrect unless proven by canon! If we all read the characters the exact same way, there wouldn’t be all the fandom shipping and whatnot. It’s my belief that we are dab smack in the middle of one large series-long relationship story arc, so we really don’t know what is really in store for our heroes _(though I’m OBVIOUSLY putting money on Johnlock is Endgame and/or TJLC… if you haven’t guessed by my blog title)_. It’s these different readings that make our love for the characters and this series so fascinating. 

Before I begin, I should probably state how _I READ_ the characters: [John is bisexual / biromantic and probably closeted](http://inevitably-johnlocked.tumblr.com/post/108380496590/hey-bronte-its-the-person-that-asked-you-about), and Sherlock is grey or demi-homosexual / demi-homoromatic _(I say “demi” here as opposed to “gay” just to be specific on what part of the spectrum of “gay” I see him on. I believe Sherlock is strictly men-only and I think he needs to form a close emotional attachment before falling in love. But broadly speaking, yes, he is gay)._

I really had to sit down and think to write this, because for the life of me I have a very hard time understanding John Watson. He is one of the most complex characters in the programme. As well, I relate more to Sherlock’s character than I do John’s so I just really have a hard time writing about John. [This isn’t uncommon](http://inevitably-johnlocked.tumblr.com/post/120863854920/earlgreytea68-this-is-john-watson-hes), apparently, as I took over 5 months before I answered this question so that I could learn more about John. 

I think you are right on the nose about John knowing he is attracted to Sherlock, **at least sexually** , otherwise the infamous girlfriend / boyfriend conversation at Angelo’s in _ASiP_ would have never happened. I think something may have happened to John in his past involving a romantic relationship with a man _([possibly Sholto](http://inevitably-johnlocked.tumblr.com/post/122109383130/hi-your-blog-its-probably-my-favorite-thing-on))_ where John gave his heart to a man and it hurt him, so he really did try not to fall in love with a man again. 

Only Sherlock came along, let John into his life and sneakily made John infatuated with him. By the end of _ASiB_ John’s no longer dating anymore, just basically accepted that he pines for Sherlock, an unattainable person in his eyes. John has put Sherlock on this ridiculously high, god-like pedestal, which I think John feels is safe for him because that makes Sherlock unattainable and therefore John doesn’t need to fear that he will fall in love with him. 

**Except he did.** I don’t even think John himself realized how much he actually loved Sherlock until the Fall, until he was forced to face his feelings in his therapy session with Ella in _TRF_. 

In _TEH_ , John uses a lot of terminology to describe his getting married to Mary that suggests that he was in love with Sherlock _(“moving on” and MARRYING SOMEONE HE’S ONLY KNOWN FOR SIX MONTHS are the big ones that comes to mind)_ , and it’s clear to me that Mary is John’s crutch. All that aside, I think he had truly felt he was ready to come to terms with his previous feelings for Sherlock, admit them to himself, and is actually ready to move forward in his life. [I don’t doubt that he loved her](http://inevitably-johnlocked.tumblr.com/post/120873399915/why-homoromantic-john-kills-the-dramatic-tension), no, but Sherlock had so much of John’s heart that any relationship John tried to make while Sherlock was alive was doomed to failure. So, Sherlock being gone = John’s heart is able to belong to someone else. 

But then Sherlock comes prancing in like a messiah and dredges up John’s old feelings again. Simply put, his marrying Mary was John trying to convince himself that he was over Sherlock, but that didn’t turn out so hot, John becomes bitter – which probably also factored into Mary’s growing frustration with him _(because in the end, John will always be Sherlock’s and Mary, much like Sherlock pre-S3, does NOT like to share)_ – and by the end of _HLV_ I think John ends up just _DONE_ with everyone and everything. I think we are at John’t tipping point, and we will start to see more of our soldier Captain John in S4 and 5. I’m going into more detail about this in an upcoming meta, but long story short, by act 3 of HLV we already begin seeing John taking control of his own life. There’s a plan in the works there, I believe, and I don’t think anyone _(other than **maybe** Mycroft)_ is in on it. 

That said, I don’t understand why people think John has changed in S3; the progression, for me, was a logical next step; of course John is going to be angry at Sherlock for abandoning him. It’s stated RIGHT in the first episode that [John has trust issues](http://inevitably-johnlocked.tumblr.com/post/119197178665/secrets-half-truths-and-trust) and there’s no way he wasn’t affected in some way by Sherlock’s deception. In my opinion, I think Season 3 was one of the best seasons _(PROBABLY because it was mostly from Sherlock’s POV and let’s be real here, I have a soft spot for Sherlock)_ , and it’s interesting to see how others perceive John’s outward appearance. 

But I digress. 

Back to your ask. I’m so glad you mentioned Sherlock, because I love his character arc so much and he somehow wiggles his way into every point I’m trying to make. 

Yes, Nonny, I think it _WILL BE_ , in a way, Sherlock himself who tips the scales. BUT… I also believe that Sherlock _NEVER_ makes a change in their relationship status until John does, all because of one singular incident that I think Sherlock has never “deleted”: When Sherlock calls John his friend in _TBB_ and John immediately corrects Sherlock that they are colleagues. Now, _WE_ know that John was just trying to keep things professional, but to Sherlock – the sentimental git – calling someone a friend is a huge achievement in his eyes, and he wanted to rub it into his former _(bully? boyfriend? friend?)_ classmate’s face… but John shot him down, cue the internal little Sherlock crying alone in a corner of his mind palace. From there on out, Sherlock has NEVER elevated their friendship vocally to the next level until John does:  
• _THoB_ , John becomes “friend” after John called Sherlock ‘friend’, then subsequently lets it slip that John is more than that _(conductor of light)_ ;  
• _TSo3 / HLV_ , John is only referred to as Sherlock’s best friend after John proposes to Sherlock asks Sherlock to be his best man, and then is subsequently also called a brave, best and wise man himself.  
• _TSo3_ , Sherlock only tells John he loves him AFTER John tells Sherlock he loves him, [and it’s through the proxy of Mary](http://inevitably-johnlocked.tumblr.com/post/103319251390/love-by-proxy-why-marys-good-for-johnlock) as a way for them to have an out. 

Now, don’t misunderstand me. I truly think that Sherlock has always had a stronger emotional attachment to John than vice versa. **_ALWAYS._** But because Sherlock absorbs everything “John” like a sponge, that first negative reaction put him off and [set him back to his insecure ways](http://inevitably-johnlocked.tumblr.com/post/109026531040/i-was-thinking-about-how-sherlock-overheard-irene), and therefore feels John should be the one to instigate each move. 

That all being said, why do I think Sherlock tips the scales? [Our Three Garridebs Moment.](http://inevitably-johnlocked.tumblr.com/post/112445367395/sherlocking-out-loud-inevitably-johnlocked) Sherlock is a giant ball of pent up emotions _(that has been building up for over 5+ years in the show’s timeline)_ that is going to eventually pop and erupt. It _WON’T_ be a 100% love confession, at least I don’t think, but I do think it will be one of those “please don’t leave me” things, the absolute closest to a confession that TPTB can get without saying “I love you” directly. While Sherlock _did_ admit his love for John during his best man speech, [it was in direct relation to Mary,](http://inevitably-johnlocked.tumblr.com/post/103319251390/love-by-proxy-why-marys-good-for-johnlock) and it was _ONLY_ said _AFTER_ John had told Sherlock he loved and cared for him, of which I believe Sherlock misinterpreted. 

The only reciprocation we have yet to see are the hug and the knee grope. Granted the latter was under inebriation, the hug was not, and JOHN made the first move. Sherlock is then surely soon to be reciprocating that in a big way. 

We all have different interpretations as to what is to be considered “canon johnlock confirmation”. For myself, it will be not necessarily the first kiss, but it will be some form of intimate interaction be it forehead touches or eskimo kisses, which, I’m going to be honest, I think will be more likely than an all-out passionate heat-of-the-moment kiss _(as much as I love that, don’t get me wrong)_. Imagine this if you will: John gets stabbed / shot, shit hits the fan, Sherlock goes to John and presses their heads together muttering how much he cares for John. That for me is the start of canon Johnlock. It’s fanfiction fodder, but hey, we all have our headcanons. [wellthengameover](http://wellthengameover.tumblr.com) [has written how I see the arc going better than I ever could, so go read them.](http://inevitably-johnlocked.tumblr.com/post/103298086140/the-johnlock-arc) My theories pretty much follow theirs, so it’s silly for me to say something already perfectly said. 

The 3G scene will be a solo John-and-Sherlock moment: no Mary in the middle, no Mycroft meddling… just the two of them proving SOMEHOW that they need each other in their lives. To me that would be even closer than the tarmac was: It’s Sherlock revealing to John that he does have a heart, that he just really cannot function to his best without John in his life. This will be John realizing that Sherlock actually _isn’t_ unattainable, that he is just as much a man as John. And we need this moment to happen when it’s just the two of them. 

I _REALLY_ hope I’ve sort of either answered any questions you had or continued along the same point that you were trying to make. I tend to get _really_ carried away when I get to analyse characters. Thank you for this!


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